Does Time Heal the Pain of Grief?

By Mary E. Beaven, LCSW
Community Outreach and Bereavement Liaison
Mary Washington Grief Support Services

Many of us are familiar with the adage, “Time heals all wounds.” While this can be true for physical, or even certain types of emotional pain, this is not the way most grieving people describe their experience. Grief is defined as the feelings one feels associated with a loss. These feelings change over time, but grieving the death of someone we love is lifelong. While that may sound depressing, it is important to validate this reality for those in the midst of grief. And the good news is that there’s hope.

Grief is a complex emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual experience that ranges from sadness and anger to relief and guilt. Grief often has physical manifestations, such as brain fog and disturbed sleep. Many bereaved often report shifts in their spiritual beliefs as a result of a death. In all ways, though, grief is unique to the individual and while the experience of grief is universal, the way it is experienced varies person to person.

This is for many reasons: the nature of the relationship with the deceased, the circumstances surrounding the death, the bereaved person’s support system and intrinsic coping skills, and much more. Additionally, the death of a loved one causes ripple effects, or secondary losses, such as loss of income, loss of a hoped-for future, or the loss of a sense of safety in the world.

The work of grief is not time limited and grief research shows that for many, the pain of loss is long-lasting. While many bereavement programs offer services for a year after the death, mental health professionals know that grief lingers in the hearts and lives of those affected by loss. A grief researcher, Lois Tonkin, has a useful theory to demonstrate how the size of one’s grief does not change over time, rather the ability to cope with it and the new things we enjoy grow around the grief.

A helpful image for grief is ocean waves. When the death occurs there are often huge, seemingly insurmountable waves crashing around the deceased person’s loved ones. Over time, though, the waves begin ebbing and flowing in seasons of big and small waves. Years later the ocean does not stop moving, but the force of the waves diminishes leaving small laps nudging the shoreline. Every so often, maybe during hurricane season, huge waves rise again, but they do recede. In the same way, grief makes itself known in big ways throughout our lives, but it also remains a steady presence. This process represents the way grief is integrated in our lives as we move forward.

This leads to an important question, though: How does one get to the place of integrated grief? Time is certainly a component here. Over months, years, and decades, a person who actively participates in grief work will find that they are able to make room for new experiences. This does not happen in the days or weeks after the death, though, and naturally takes time. Grief work can take a variety of forms. Many people are familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief. While this has some helpful elements, it is commonly misunderstood and can cause confusion for grieving people. A more current model is Warden’s Tasks of Mourning¹.

These are:

• To acknowledge the reality of the loss,
• To process the pain of grief,
• To adjust to a world without the deceased, and
• To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life.

To some this may feel daunting and it may be good to find a supportive therapist, grief counselor, or grief support group to assist in navigating this process. For others, it may be confirmation that they are on a healthy grief coping journey. These tasks, as with most life experiences, are not linear. It is expected that one will move from task to task over time, often overlapping work on each task.

A common fear is that reinvesting in the world takes away from the love that is still connecting the bereaved to the deceased person. There is anxiety that the deceased person is being left behind. In fact, grief research has pointed to the necessity of continuing bonds with the deceased person. In other words, the relationship with the deceased does not end with death, but continues permanently and is an essential part of the grieving process.

A healthy outcome of the bereavement process is maintaining a relationship with the deceased person while engaging in new friendships, experiences, and memory-making. Continuing bonds come in many forms and are expressed differently for each of us. Love and connection create a yearning for the person to be here in the present. Our work is to carry those people with us in whatever way is meaningful to each of us.

So does time heal? Grief is normal and expected after a loss. Time plus grief work does not “heal” the pain of loss, but it does create a renewed sense of meaning and the ability to reengage with the world around oneself. With time and work, grief and joy can coexist while the memory of the loved one is carried with you throughout your life. Sadness and anger may dissipate over time and with work, but love and a continued connection to the deceased remains.

¹Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, Fifth Edition, Springer, N.Y.